So I have just spent the last hour sobbing. The kind of sobbing that emits boogers from your nose at lightning speeds. From this sobbing, I have come to a realization. And no, it is not that I need more tissues although, I certainly do. My realization is that IT IS SO DAMN HARD TO TRY AND BE PERFECT.
Amidst the turmoil of living with my in-laws, having a baby in the meantime, surviving my first year of marriage, losing my job, not finding a new one and now moving… I have lost my sense of “self”. My sense of “self” has had to become my sense of “everyone/everything else”. I am so largely consumed by every other aspect of my life that I am burying ME, alive.
In losing myself, I have recognized that I am not doing such a great job of wearing my other hats. I lack the energy, light and awareness that it takes to really rev my engine and be the best that I can be. I spend so much time worrying about how to be perfect for everyone that I continue to let go of who I really am and let her fall deep into the abyss. What I didn’t understand until now is that; A: I will/can never be “perfect” and B: the closest I can get to my version of perfection requires me to be 100%, well, ME.
If this is confusing you… don’t worry, it’s confusing me, as well. Sorry.
The next step I need to take is to figure out how to get “ME” back. I’m not too sure what measures to take just yet. I imagine it starts with putting my health and fitness somewhere at the top of my priority list. If I am not healthy and fit, I feel tired, cranky and miserable. This is more than likely where the downward spiral began. If I look good and feel good, I am unstoppable. I would also like to think that I gain an immeasurable confidence that in turn, would rub off on my daughter - and I want nothing more than for her to grow up loving herself and believing in herself. In my opinion, that is the greatest gift I could give to her away from love.
The very next step beyond that is definitely finding something I can be GREAT at. This may sound a bit ridiculous, but I have no idea what I am great at anymore. I used to play sports, I was great at that. I used to go to school. I was great at that, too. I used to work in sales. Again… great.
I understand that I am a GOOD Mommy, a GOOD wife, a GOOD daughter, but if I can’t find something to personally be GREAT at again, I will not posses the confidence to be great at anything else. I need to be proud of myself for something other than my obligations.
Still following me here?
I would really like to be able to be present in every thing I do, every single day. It is just impossible to do that when my mind is reeling with “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve(s)”. I’ve been obsessing over what I could do better and not really DOING anything about it because the mere idea is so overwhelming.
As you can see, this is going to be quite a long and arduous process, but I really need to start climbing that mountain today. That daunting first step is just always the most difficult, isn’t it?